Yes, Start Comparing Yourself to Others!

If this global panna cotta we've had our heads stuffed for over two years has taught me anything is that comparing yourself to others is not necessarily...

*lowers voice*

harmful...

Before you start tossing shoes on me, and I dodge them like George Bush did during that Iraqi press conference, let me justify myself.

Ever since we were little, we were told that comparing ourselves to others is false. It's like a gremlin that will lash out from our closets and devour us whole. Or that success resembles a certain model — the go-to-school-get-a-degree-and-a-job-marry-someone-buy-a-home-have-kids sort of model. Well, despite the intimidating gremlin-allegory and the a*s-long definition, I have to admit that these beliefs hold some truth. When comparison strikes, you roll the dice and begin to feel the debilitating pangs of inadequacy and the stings of envy; both of which can lead to a miserable life.

Wanting it or not, there’s always going to be someone ahead of you and someone behind of you. This is what psychologists call upward social comparison and downward social comparison, respectively. Upward comparison refers to comparing yourself to people with a perceived superiority to you in terms of wealth, beauty, fame and/or intelligence, resulting in you feeling inferior to them; while downward comparison occurs when you compare to someone you view as being worse off, making yourself feel better about your circumstances.

Either way, we tend to treat others as the yardstick against which we measure ourselves. According to recent studies, however, such treatment is often associated with adverse depressive symptoms. Okay, I get where these social scientists are coming from, but this doesn’t mean that life has to be a big ol' competition arena!

On the other hand, how else would we gain self-development, shape our attitudes, values and perceptions, or identify our preferences, if we removed ourselves from our social context and stopped comparing? In case no one told you before, there are healthy and constructive ways to compare yourself to others. Let me lift that veil for you and reveal the productive side of comparison — the one that encourages you to thrive rather than weighing you down with anxiety and creating a judgemental worldview.

Comparing yourself to others opens doors to alternatives

Have you ever observed a co-worker handling well an angry customer and caught yourself saying, “Wow, next time I'll make sure to do it this way?”

Watching others leading by example is how we learn, evolve and navigate the world. You might think: If I hadn't watched that colleague diffusing a complaining client, I'd probably be stuck behind my desk stuttering or over-apologising to them, thereby losing your authority and escalating the tense situation.

Comparing yourself to others who excel at what they do can point to areas you need improvement. This way, you realise more about yourself — your strengths and weaknesses. Comparisons can guide you to becoming more self-aware and therefore more effective at both your professional and personal life.

Rationally setting their methods in comparison to yours lays the groundwork for new possibilities.

Comparison can help you appreciate what you have

If you've ever been on an expedition in a Third World country, you probably have witnessed poverty unlike anything in your developed country. No matter how much you try not to compare your life to those who have it worse, we all do it. It's part of human nature, and goes about in the form of Social Comparison Theory (the upward and downward social comparison types I mentioned earlier, remember?)

As the best-selling author, M.J Ryan, confirms in his book, The Happiness Makeover,

It's useless to tell ourselves not to do it — it's part of the function of the brain to compare.

Ryan's remark should awaken you towards being more grateful for your assets instead of pitying others for what they don’t have. Don’t let comparison sabotage your happiness and personal growth; allow it to motivate you.

How?

Give this trick a shot: next time you feel like you're rolling towards the comparison spiral, pause and ask yourself: Do I admire the person I'm about to compare myself to?

Think about it, if you don’t admire someone, why expending your energy comparing yourself to them? In fact, if there are no feelings of admiration on your part, aren’t you somewhat setting yourself up to self-debasement in the Game of Comparison? Such a losing battle, isn't it?

Now, if you do admire them, pose the following question to yourself: What quality do I most admire about them? Next up, and once you gather the necessary information, ask: Do I possess this quality?

Oftentimes, the answer is yes and you only need to get those daily affirmation and gratitude lists in working order. But if the answer is no, you likely have a quality you can work on developing.

If the latter is the case, get practical with it: what are three steps you can take this coming week to attain that quality? Say that you look up to your University Professor. Do you actually admire their discipline and dedication? If so, set a goal of applying discipline to your routine, 1-2 hours each day for the next week(s).

Below, you'll find the diagram for future reference:

Another example might be your tendency to compare yourself to a friend with a higher annual income than you. Yet, you also happen to admire this same friend. Once you reach the “why do I admire them?” section, you could discover that it’s because it enables them to build wealth and live a comfortable life beyond the mere coverage of their primary expenses, such as utility bills, taxes and insurance; or that they want to earn enough to afford a house that is situated in a safe area with low crime rate.

Here, we're dealing with two different qualities: comfort and safety. Realising what you’re most appealed by is going to spur you into action and propel you towards making more informed decisions than “gaining XYZ amount of money” ever could.

Again, let me issue a warning along with this tip. Try not to circle back and rehash their process, fixating on a fallacy that you must follow in their life path. Everyone is on the timeline they're meant to be and in the pace they're supposed to be moving forward.

Compare for inspiration, not looks

It’s demoralising to compare yourself to others on superficial levels, focusing on their appearance and/or outward achievements. Rather than aspiring to be like others, aim to differentiate yourself from them. In other words, compare only to establish creative distinction not to conform.

Chances are, you can't make any meaningful contribution in life without understanding in what ways you're distinct. You’ll acquire a fresh creative edge when you look inwards, prioritising on yourself and asking, “How could I do that differently? How's my viewpoint any different? How could I add more value in a unique way?”

Compare for vision, not following

When you engage in your usual social media scrolling, refrain from assessing yourself on the volume of your friendship or followership base. When you do, you’ll always feel down or ruin your ambition to level up, because someone else is and will always be higher in popularity than you. It’s like you have just finished the final draft of your book and you hesitate to publish it, because oodles of other writers are more renowned in their craft and niche. You may think, “Oh well, I'm not as big as so-and-so author. My work will never sell and I will never ascend”. And so you lock a potential smashing success back in the drawer...

Instead of trapping yourself in the comparison noose, look to how social media users are serving their audience, the added-value content they share, and redirect your focus towards a vision. When you encounter people who want to make a massive difference, it inevitably makes a massive difference to your work ethic and mode of living. Results take time and by no means do they happen overnight! Therefore, every small step in your journey counts. Every step is learning and stretching and gets you going.

Compare you with past you

I doubt that comparing your adult body and habits to your adolescent ones can be of any aid here. But taking a kaleidoscopic glimpse and acknowledging how much you've progressed since your cringey juvenile phase is the real deal. So, if you're pinched with the urge to make comparisons, you better compare your present self with your past one. How much have you developed? What are the three key takeaways you can pinpoint? Pat yourself on the back and appreciate how far you’ve come. And rest assured that there’s so much more growth ahead and so many more experiences yet to come!

Conclusion

If you look at other people who achieve more, own more or seem better, you grow bitter or feel threatened. This indicates that you’re small and you're doomed to smallness. In such instances, you need to remember that just because the highest achievers in the world are posing with their trophies and a wide grin, it doesn't mean that they've had it easy. Behind the fancy posing, there are endless hours of hustling and plenty of meltdowns by flawed humans involved. In a word, don't believe everything you see. Reframe your mindset and approach the greatness, talent and success of others as a portal to mindfulness and inspiration on which track to take. Bear in mind that being competitive doesn't suggest that you want others to fail. It just illustrates that you aspire the same level of success for yourself! Simple as that. Fair play, don't you think?

---