Sorry Syndrome: Do you Apologise to Coffee Tables?

One pre-Covid morning (does anyone have the slightest recollection of such days?), my tutor emailed me to cancel our meeting due to bad weather. My knee-jerk reaction was to type, ‘I'm so sorry. We can reschedule in due course’ and press “Send”.

And that's what I did.

*face palm*

In hindsight, I would have hovered my mouse over the button a bit longer before hitting it. I would have reappraised my impulse to apologise and accept blame for something that:

A) wasn't my fault

B) was beyond my control

Until recently, I felt I owed an apology to, without exaggeration, everyone and everything.

• I'd line up in a rail-long queue or get stuck in dense traffic? I'd apologise!

• I'd accidentally be pushed over by someone? I'd apologise!!

• I'd stumble on a coffee table? I'd apologise to that very coffee table!!!

• What? Sunrises and sunsets are a-matter-of-fact constants that take place daily? I'd be sorry!!!! (You’re free to add as many exclamation marks as you wish).

To apologise for something you regret is one thing. But to let those mindless apologies roll off your tongue for simply existing is another and yes, it's problematic. If the above description rings a thundering “TRUE” to you, don’t panic; it’s scientifically-explained and dubbed as the Sorry Syndrome (SS). The term refers to a near-irrational tendency to say sorry for minuscule things, even if the individual apologising isn’t the one to be held responsible.

It’s not so much the circumstances per se that make you utter the five-lettered word so unwittingly, but your own self. Psychotherapist Panthea Saidipour writes,

There are so many different roots that over-apologi[s]ng can stem from.

Let's run through some of the most common reasons you blurt superfluous apologies out more often than you actually blink in a day.

Why do you over-apologise?

You’re a people-pleaser

You don’t want others to think poorly of you or don’t think of you whatsoever. So, you go the extra mile to satisfy them and be polite at all times (draining, if you ask me). You worry too much about the perceptions and feelings other people harbour about you, and you don’t want to upset or disappoint them. In other words, your hyper-compassionate and sensitive self has turned you in a submissive “doormat” that everyone steps on and takes advantage of.

Zero confidence and self-esteem

You’re harsh to yourself and on that account, you're concerned you’re always in the wrong, provoking unnecessary problems and/or asking too much. Throwing “I'm sorry” for no reason is the oral equivalent of physical slouching. Harvard Business School social psychologist Amy Cuddy names this phenomenon the “personal powerlessness pose”. She contends that the slouched posture makes you look little and frail, relaying the signal that you don't want to bother others and take up too much space.

Perfectionist Trap

You have set awfully high standards for yourself that you fail to meet. Therefore, you constantly deem yourself incompetent and feel the need to apologise for every imperfect professional and professional glitch. Most of the times, through our apologies we seek to elicit approval, validation and reassurance from others that everything is alright with us.

You’re uncomfortable

Let’s be real, few cannot relate to this. Oftentimes, we say sorry because we feel insecure, awkward and/or unsure of ourselves, while at truly cringe-worthy situations, we don’t know what to say or do to slip out of them. Thus, we apologise to seem selfless for the sake of mending a troubled interaction and soothing some souls. How sad though—always being flawless in someone else’s mind, and never fulfilled your own.

You take responsibility for other people’s mistakes

You may be sorry for your brother’s behaviour (being rude or interrupting) as if you’re the one that erred. This can be attributed to a lack of separation—you treat each other as a unit rather than as two distinct, autonomous entities. Just because you share the same blood doesn’t make you accountable of their actions. By taking ownership and apologising on behalf of them, you reinforce their inappropriate demeanour because you lift the whole burden on your shoulders.

You’re a compulsive apologist

If you’re wired to over-apologise for essentially your entire life, you're very likely doing it involuntarily. It’s a you-witness-you-emulate sort of scenario that develops in a habit. The can't-do mentality has consolidated as your belief system since your formative years as a child, nurturing self-doubt and the “I don’t deserve to be loved” attitude. EM Life Teacher, Ninette Hupp, clarifies that such

habits reduce the mental effort required to complete regular activities.

As a result, apologies turn out to be “reflexive”, automated replies you give without second-guessing yourself, and which, as Karina Schumann et al. observe, is more prevalent in women. Regarding men, every interaction tends to be a discreet power competition, in which one party normally emerges as the more dominant and superior of the two.

You can’t say “No”

Many people view direct expressions of “no” as aggressive. For this reason, they smooth things out by being assertive and apologetic. Former certified therapist Gini Beqiri affirms that in assertiveness:

the aim is to say “no” without feeling that you have to apologi[s]e.

Being assertive and apologetic shouldn’t be used interchangeably, but whoever is overly-sorry often find themselves shifting from an upfront ‘no’ to a dragging ‘I'm sorry, but…’

Consequences of sorry syndrome

Imagine what repercussions the barrage of demeaning messages you convey to yourself can have on your mental welfare: ‘Wow, I’m so useless. I’m blowing up all the time.’ Seems like the ideal way to kick your confidence to the grave, doesn’t it?

As Tara Swart, neuroscientist and writer of The Source: Open Your Mind, Change Your Life, argues:

Apologi[s]ing when we have done something wrong is a real strength, but compulsive apologi[s]ing presents as a weakness at work and in personal relationships [emphasis added].

Indeed, a downpour of apologies can be less impactful and make others lose respect of you on an interpersonal level, as they wouldn’t know when you’re being honest. Melody Wilding, who specialises in workplace coaching, states,

Unwarranted apologies not only bloat your speech and detract from the clarity of your message, but also dilute the power of the phrase to a point where it may come off as disingenuous.

The upshot of repeated apologies? Multiple “rolling eyes” with your apology recipients blanking you out.

Solution

As psychology experts cry out unanimously, the first step to problem-solving is IDENTIFICATION. Read through the following questions and be brutally truthful with yourself in all your answers. Do you recognise yourself in the “Sorry Syndrome” pattern, the bulk of which is boiled down to eight points?

• Does an apology feel forced even if you’re not truly sorry? If so, why? A plausible explanation comes from Lori Deschene, author of Tiny Buddha's Graditute Journal, who notes that we're prone to apologising out of fear of losing our hard-won sense of belonging and connection, as well as of

being ostraci[s]ed from our tribe.

Contrary to being on a perpetual state of apology, recent study illustrates that,

the act of refusing to apologi[s]e resulted in greater self‐esteem than not refusing to apologi[s]e. Moreover, apology refusal also resulted in increased feelings of power/control and value integrity [emphasis added].

Most of us believe that if we stop apologising, our friends, relatives and colleagues will all of a sudden grow weary of us and cease wanting to spend time with us. Of course this is unfounded, for being more forceful could have a positive impact in all facets of your life.

• Do you give guilt-laden apologies rather than being grateful when someone shows support? For instance, when you find your partner washing the dishes at your turn, do you fall in your usual over-apologising trance or you’re appreciative and thankful of their initiative? Are these emotions a familiar and recurring reaction to you?

• Are you avoiding a potential dispute? Saidipour argues that you’re

[Q]uick to apologi(s)e to [others], because you’re worried they’ll get mad at you, and you want to stop the conflict before it ever starts.

She encourages a trip down memory lane, presuming that you’re constantly sorry

because you grew up in a household where conflict sparked screaming matches, harsh punishment and broken objects.

Siding with Saidipour, Deschene is convinced that

if you were abused at some point, it can feel imperative to express remorse for [...] offenses, since this could minimi[s]e the risk of retaliation.

Not only does this harm your self-worth, it also breeds shame-based acts.

• Is an apology a space filler for awkward silence?

• Is it because an event triggers your anxiety or make you feel uncertain of who you are and do? Martin Antony, director of the Anxiety Research and Treatment Lab at Ryerson University, claims that an excess of apologies is in fact your default self-defence coping mechanism that

could be conceptuali[s]ed as a safety behaviour [...] designed to protect an individual from aversive emotions or potential threat.

Simply put, rather than experiencing these negative emotions, we contain them by apologising so that to shield ourselves from getting hurt or appearing silly.

-> Does it occur:

• in particular situations?

• while executing specific activities?

• with a standard group of people?

Conclusion

Cutting down or altogether quitting your unrestrained usage of apologies is not an easy task, but this can be reverse engineered. Below you can find our practical tried-and-true tips on how to give self-conscious, meaningful apologies and redirect undesirable outcomes.

Remember that well-timed and heartfelt apologies are indicators of courage and humility, while they can abolish hostility and benefit your relationships.

-> Though, in the event that you're a wrong-doer and you've made a legitimate mistake, own it! Acknowledge and address the damage, apologise sincerely and finish it off with a hopeful, compensatory remark. Say something along the lines of: ‘I didn't show up on time and I'm truly sorry. Thank you for waiting. I promise it won't happen again.’

-> Over the course of the next thirty days, count how many times you apologised in a single day (you may be left wide-eyed and shocked) and reflect on whether any of those times were justified.

-> If you’re a chronic apologiser, learn to discern a habitual from an intentional apology. To achieve so, Sherianna Boyle, author of Emotional Detox for Anxiety, prompts us to turn “inwards” and actively listen to our bodies:

The next time you go to apologi[s]e consider pausing by pulling your navel toward your spine, as if you are putting a tight belt on [...] inhale [...] Allow yourself thirty seconds to sit with the discomfort so you can give yourself a chance to feel what is coming up’ [my emphasis].

Taking a step back for a few moments and filtering out the context in which apologies are verbalised is paramount to see if it actually requires one.

-> Finally, consider performing the flip-the-script trick that Lynell Ross, a wellness coach and founder of Zivadream, proposes. A standby to her method is to swap the self-defeating “sorry” with a positively-charged and self-affirmative phrase such as “thank you”. For instance, when you're about to enter a jam-packed lift rather than saying, ‘Sorry, would you mind moving a bit?’ you can go for, ‘Thanks for making room.’

Over time, the switched-up phrasing in the form of “thank you” will not only strengthen your self-value but also your capacity to lead and manifest an abundant life.

On that note, THANK YOU for stopping by and reading this post!

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Sorry Syndrome: Do you Apologise to Coffee Tables? last modified: 27 December 2020