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How Non-Attachment Can Save Your Life
Nothing lasts forever.
The implied impermanence of this statement used to terrify me. It's as though life gives you no guarantee that, for example, your dream-like relationship with a significant other you're madly in love with will survive. Simultaneously, however, it doesn't rule out the possibility for better days to arise in a job that you treat as a daily ordeal.
You see where I'm going with this?
The moment you realise the fleeting nature of everything, BOOM! You're liberated.
This situation in which you disentangle yourself from external distractions in order to pursue inner peace is known as non-attachment. Despite its negative connotations (more of this below), non-attachment was first practiced in religious settings, mainly by Secular Buddhist monks — though it was also implemented by Hinduism, Christianity, Taoism, and Islam.
What is non-attachment?
Simply put, non-attachment describes the process of detaching yourself from anything that's detrimental to your wellness.
Of course, no one tells you to immerse yourself in deep spirituality in order to be unattached or benefit from it. In fact, forms of therapy such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) promotes mindfulness and the ability to rid yourself from thoughts that don't serve you. This tunes in well with the rhythms of non-attachment, as it aims at the same goal: improving yourself, your worldview, and switching around your mindset to be more advantageous by learning to let go.
Instead of being dependent on material goods, concepts, beliefs, opinions, people, locations or jobs, fighting for their “foreverness”, or being scared that you’ll never manage to shift your unfavourable circumstances, you train yourself to cope with moments (both good and bad) as they emerge.
In fact, there is a sense of freedom in knowing that events can, and will, eventually change.
Acknowledging the good has an expiry date allows us to adopt an enlightened and heightened mode of living, and experience things as they come without the element of clinginess.
There's an inherent risk averse tendency in humans, but knowing the bad will equally end at some point, infuses us with strength to loosen our grip from concerns, problems we can't fix, or behaviours we aren't responsible of (e.g. the rudeness of a customer), and move on. Rather than remaining stuck in hopelessness and prolonging the need to take the leap, we are prompted to make changes when needed.
And you may ask, is this some sort of a protective mechanism against threats?
I don't know if we do it to protect ourselves, but it permeates our lives with compassion, gratitude and effortless happiness...
If you're still confused, let's face a hypothetical scenario.
Imagine that you're lucky enough to date someone who isn't playing games, some of which may involve ghosting, mixed signalling, gaslighting, etc. Not only are they emotionally available, but also they're sincere about their intentions and the best of all? They reciprocate emotions. WOW, you hit the jackpot!
And here comes your anxious and insecure mind to ruin everything!
Being the control freak you are who wastes precious energy in pursuing perfection, you want to ensure that the person will stick around and that your relationship will intimately evolve. You ask for some sort of a stay-in-my-life warranty, but this one-sided, irrational fear of abandonment will inevitably push them away. Basic psychology!
Before I proceed with the benefits of non-attachment, let me open a parenthesis here. This fear of getting abandoned and losing somebody points a finger at numerous factors:
Your family “didn't do feelings”
Chances are, you grew up in a household where neglectful parenting prevailed, while feelings were neither shared nor showed. I like to parallel home to a real-life potter. The same way he/she gives shape to his ceramic art, home likewise takes our young malleable souls and moulds our identities as adults. If your caregivers resisted emotional expression, it’s unlikely that you'll easily accept criticism or trust your own self (let alone others!).
Feelings were judged or shamed
When emotional vulnerability in a shame- and negative judgement-free zone is pure fiction, it makes it hard for someone to understand that it’s OK, if not compulsory, to express emotion in order to commit to sustainable relationships.
Toxic previous relationships
When a past partner caused excessive amount of pain, victims of such mistreatment often feel rejected. As a result, they voluntarily isolate themselves. Despite the hurt, however, they remain in this toxicity, working hard to please others, and holding onto it tight — even if it's suffocating for them and generates dynamics of unhealthy co-dependence.
Trauma fuels drama
A history of trauma in the form of childhood loss (e.g. the death of a parent) can evoke symptoms of anxiety, panic attacks, inner tension, depression, and PTSD in adult life when separated from loved ones. If someone is dealing with these symptoms, it can make it very difficult to open up. This is especially relevant if there's dread that the other person may not be able to “deal with” the trauma, or dread of being judged for that trauma.
Regardless of the cause, I recommend doing a self-check first to decipher any cues that obstruct you from working towards healing and building resilience under the guidance of a therapist or licensed counsellor.
Back to non-attachment!
Benefits of non-attachment
When you don't bother with attachments, you manage to lead your life as an autonomous being, outside of other people. Ultimately, this lifts the burden off both parties, letting you be unapologetically you without clinging onto anyone or anything to nurture you.
Being too needy or reliant onto situations or possessions keeps you from becoming the better version of yourself and reaching your full potential.
There's no such thing as finding your soulmate or other half! You're expected to be whole and fully at peace with who you are in order to, subsequently, invest in someone else. (Cliché, but true!)
These things add to your happiness, but they're not what determines your whole existence. YOU are all that’s certain in life, and only if you embrace this notion you can achieve emotional and spiritual growth.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that past lessons, attitudes or encounters can’t affect your present actions and future ambitions. To the contrary: it signifies that you can experience life organically with joyful wellbeing and awareness of its transience, because you aren’t relying on something that might shift or “die” at any minute. This is saddening, I know, but how else could you appreciate it?
Non-attachment vs Aloofness
Just to clarify, non-attachment does NOT translate as being apathetic, aloof, indifferent and cold as a dead brick wall towards another individual. It’s simply an absence of fear, considering that dependence stems from a constant fear of impending loss.
But if we enter a relationship fully prepared for its outcome, or approach our existing ones as already something that its change in form (for better or for worse) is beyond our control, we release ourselves from the pressure of unrealistic expectations. In this way, we can handle issues and address our insecurities with an open mind and heart to see what unfolds naturally.
Have you noticed that the more you force or chase something, the less likely for it to happen? Slow down, prioritise on your mental and physical welfare, and it'll come to you if it's meant to be.
When you’re indifferent, you’re insensitive, dispassionate, and even be negligent. Yeah, that isn’t what non-attachment represents. You can practice non-attachment and still foster feelings of love, passion, and interest. The main misconception between the two terms is that indifference means that you don’t care about anyone or anything.
Similarly, that's not to be confused with blind acceptance of things that are dissatisfying.
Living in the unattached present moment helps us identify what's happening right now, supplying us with the capacity to change a situation — be it a friendship, a partnership or a romantic affair which isn’t what we need, want, or deserve.
There are couples who keep on putting plasters on wounded relationships, or friends who do CPR to get their relationship's heart pumping again just because it “felt so good back in the day”.
But how can you refresh something that's rotten and decomposes from the inside? Let bygones be bygones! As an avid proponent of working through things, I believe that the present is all we should care about.
As far as relationships are concerned, there are three types of people that walk into your life — each living their unique footprint on you.
Some people are one-offs; some people appear in your life occasionally with a back-and-forth tendency; and some others are “permanents”, if you’ve stumbled on the right one.
Thing is, you can't really tell which taxonomy the person you’re dating or you're in a relationship with belongs to, unless they give you red flags so big they could be air traffic controllers! These can be tricky, so look out for them.
However, being unattached, open, and aware is a key ingredient to living organically, being grounded and more relaxed, having less of a cluttered mental space with issues you cannot solve, and observing what may unfold.
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